Exodus

Chili can be so good that the act of consuming it becomes more than a meal, it becomes an experience.

Whether sharing a crock pot with friends while watching the Big Game or contemplating greatness in solitude at a favorite watering hole, a good chili can stay with you long after it's gone from the bowl.

Except when it doesn't.

Look, we all know there's a lot going on in chili. There can be many ingredients in any one recipe. Multiply that by the half dozen or so chilis expected to be on offer Friday in the seventh annual Thoroughbred Times chili cook off, and we're dealing with many iterations of spices, sodium levels, stomachs, etc. An increased number of at-work trips to the bathroom across the company is expected. Put another way, you may have rated that chili a "10" (Bo Derek-style), but it's going to come out a deuce.

What also is expected—nay, demanded—by your colleagues is etiquette and decorum when relieving yourself.

So here are some tips to consider when taking care of business.

1. We know the score. We know what's going on in there, so don't be embarrassed but don't make small talk either.
2. We've been there before. Similar to knowing the score, we know what occurs when a person relieves him or herself. Please don't make noises to try to hide the sound of your farts. It's only exasperates the problem and makes me feel sorrier for you
3. Two words: Courtesy flush. Before you start wiping, start flushing
4. RE: reading material. Lots of people read in the bathroom. Barnes & Noble devotes a whole row to things to read in the bathroom. What they don't offer is a library program when you use its bathroom, and the office is the same way. The office newspaper or magazines from the lobby or my past performances are not reading material for your bathroom visits.
5. Imperative: WASH YOUR HANDS
6. See point "5"
7. Before you clean up yourself (see points 5 & 6), clean up after yourself. No one expects you to do tasks that normally require a rubber glove, but be mindful that especially on chili cook off day, it is likely that someone else will need that stall.

We'll all enjoy the chili cook off. We won't necessarily all enjoy the aftermath but such is life.