Judges

Back to the Old Testament subject lines for inspiration, anonymous brings up a good point in the previous post. If you’re going to judge the best chili then you need to try each chili.

I’m no official taste tester, but I did eat at The French Laundry once, so here are some tips for judging chili:

As referenced below, judge the chili itself and not whatever abomination the bowl becomes after you douse it with salt, pepper, hot sauce, sour cream, and cheese. I.e., your favorite chili should win for what the cook brought to the table, not for what you brought to the table.

Try to stick to water as a beverage since the acidity of soda could easily affect the taste of someone’s chili.

Try not to let the quality of the crock pot sway you. Psychologically, a snazzy crock pot could trick your brain into thinking its contents are better (or vice versa).

Don’t get hung up on judging or having to pick a winner. The goal here is to enjoy fellowship with coworkers. Chili is a means to that end today, but any banquet can be a feast here at TTimes.

Condemned condiments

There are more than 1-million ways to eat Waffle House’s hash browns (I like mine covered and topped, even at 6 a.m. on Derby day), and there are at least that many ways to make chili, but some fixens should be viewed more with disdain.

Like needing A1 sauce with steak, some things simply mask a chili’s flavor rather than enhance it. Beware of finding you need too much of an additive when considering whether a chili is good.

After all, the process of cooking chili is to find the perfect blend of seasoning and spices. A little of this or that to suit your tastes is fine, but a handful of cheese and a tablespoon of sour cream isn’t really that person’s chili anymore.

It’s like saying you love coffee while pouring a carton of cream and dropping four lumps of sugar into it.

So use the cheese or sour cream or pepper or hot sauce if that’s what you like, but remember to consider the chili itself when voting.

The big day

The day for the seventh annual Thoroughbred Times chili cook off has arrived, and we're live on the faded carpet in the basement of 2008 Mercer Road where the lunchroom dungeon has been transformed into a magical fantasy land.

Helping give the experience that acid trip quality we've all come to expect from a Thoroughbred Times chili cook off is the annual tournament of crock pots parade. The 60s and 70s motif on some of the vessels are sure to encourage flashbacks to headier days when popping a tab didn't mean drinking some disgusting diet soda.

Cook off coordinator Laura Lacy confirmed six participants on Thursday afternoon, so it will be interesting to see if there are any surprise entrants.

Tom Law won the inaugural chili cook off and said in a rare text message Thursday that he hopes to emulate the Green Bay Packers by winning the first and most recent big events. Will advertising be this year's stealers as they were rumored to be in 2009 when implicated in a ballot-stuffing ring that helped Hal Moss emerge victorious?

Also representing advertising this year are Shelli Baker and 2010 winner Renee McClendon. Rounding out the field are Wendy Young of Buyer's Guide fame and Holly Werner from Horse Illustrate.

Numbers

7. The number of annual Thoroughbred Times chili cook offs there will have been (future perfect tense FtW!) following tomorrow's steinhoist.

6. The number of entrants as of 5 p.m. EST on Thursday.

π. Pi does not go well with chili

3. The number of previous winners who have entered the cook-off

0. The number of employees from the Hobby Farms brand of titles who have entered a chili. Karen Keb-Acevedo is not impressed.

And just for funsies, here's a video of some guy's favorite numbers of 2010.

Leviticus

In a desperate attempt to keep with the Torah meme, here is a link to a Google search for kosher chili recipes.

Exodus

Chili can be so good that the act of consuming it becomes more than a meal, it becomes an experience.

Whether sharing a crock pot with friends while watching the Big Game or contemplating greatness in solitude at a favorite watering hole, a good chili can stay with you long after it's gone from the bowl.

Except when it doesn't.

Look, we all know there's a lot going on in chili. There can be many ingredients in any one recipe. Multiply that by the half dozen or so chilis expected to be on offer Friday in the seventh annual Thoroughbred Times chili cook off, and we're dealing with many iterations of spices, sodium levels, stomachs, etc. An increased number of at-work trips to the bathroom across the company is expected. Put another way, you may have rated that chili a "10" (Bo Derek-style), but it's going to come out a deuce.

What also is expected—nay, demanded—by your colleagues is etiquette and decorum when relieving yourself.

So here are some tips to consider when taking care of business.

1. We know the score. We know what's going on in there, so don't be embarrassed but don't make small talk either.
2. We've been there before. Similar to knowing the score, we know what occurs when a person relieves him or herself. Please don't make noises to try to hide the sound of your farts. It's only exasperates the problem and makes me feel sorrier for you
3. Two words: Courtesy flush. Before you start wiping, start flushing
4. RE: reading material. Lots of people read in the bathroom. Barnes & Noble devotes a whole row to things to read in the bathroom. What they don't offer is a library program when you use its bathroom, and the office is the same way. The office newspaper or magazines from the lobby or my past performances are not reading material for your bathroom visits.
5. Imperative: WASH YOUR HANDS
6. See point "5"
7. Before you clean up yourself (see points 5 & 6), clean up after yourself. No one expects you to do tasks that normally require a rubber glove, but be mindful that especially on chili cook off day, it is likely that someone else will need that stall.

We'll all enjoy the chili cook off. We won't necessarily all enjoy the aftermath but such is life.

Genesis

In the beginning there was no chili, only the darkness created by a void of chili.

The beginning lasted 18 years. I liked soup, I liked stew, I liked most of the things that go into chili (e.g. ground beef, chicken, spices, tomato, etc.), but for whatever reason I never tried chili.

That all changed in January 1998 at a mess hall at Denison University, a liberal arts college in Granville, Ohio. If Oberlin College could have its liberated women with hairy armpits then Denison could have a freshman with a devil-may-care attitude who didn't mind throwing caution to the wind by making his first bowl of chili dining hall chili.

Admittedly, I wouldn't have tried it on my own--not in a college dining hall anyway--but I figured if it was good enough for my roommate, the same person who already had turned me on to ramen noodles and sushi, then it was good enough for me.

"You eat that stuff?" I remember asking him.

"Yeah. It's good," he said.

And as I took that first bite I remember thinking, "It is good! This is how God felt after creating the heavens and the earth, the night and the day.

"Chili is good."